A Story About Step 1

Step 1: Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. (From the Healing Through Christ 12-step manual)

The story below is an edited version of a story recorded by 

a loved one in my husband's extended family. 

This event really happened. Please do not repeat or copy 

any part of this story without my explicit permission.

(I have received permission from the family member to share this story.) 

I will refer to the family member as "Ginny" and her friend as "John." 

I have thought of this story so many times in relation to step 1. 

I will italicize and bold the part of the story that I feel relates to the principle of step 1. 

But there are many other parts of the story that I think relate to other

steps or aspects of addiction, and I will italicize some of them as well.

It was the summer after Ginny graduated from high school. Ginny and her friend John decided to go swimming in a large lake. The rented a boat and rowed far out into the lake. The lake was very polluted, but they decided it would be ok to swim if they kept their heads above the water. John jumped out and started swimming, and after much convincing, Ginny joined him. As soon as she left the boat, the wind picked up and the boat started moving away from them fast. John started swimming after it, and in almost no time the wind had become so strong that the waves were so large that Ginny could no longer see John or the boat.

Ginny sighted the shore and felt that it was out of her range---she truly did not think she would be able to keep swimming or floating long enough to make it to the shore. She thought about how sad she would be that she that she would not get to attend college, get married, or have children. She accepted her fate of death and kept dwelling on that thought. The only thought that comforted her was that she would not have to tell John's mother what happened to him. Finally, she became so tired that she stopped caring at all about trying to stay on top of the water, and she began to sink. 

She was surprised to find that just a few feet below her was the bottom of the lake. With renewed hope, she pushed off from the bottom of the lake toward the shore and swam a little farther. She did this over and over and finally made it to the shore. After resting on the beach for a while, she saw John walking toward her. The boat was gone (John later had to rent a plane to find the boat and another boat to go retrieve it; it had all their clothes, wallets, and keys in it). They walked back toward home and someone gave them a ride (they were just in their bathing suits).

Out of the entire experience, Ginny shared that "the most surprising thing of all" was the reaction of her mother: "She really scolded me and did not say anything about being happy that I was safe. This caused me great pain and I have thought about it many times, and vowed that I would never do the same thing to my children."

To me, Ginny's experience of accepting her powerlessness over her situation relates perfectly to step 1, and it is beautiful to me that when she finally stopped trying to save herself by herself, she gained access to a resource---the bottom of the lake---that allowed her to survive. This really illustrates the idea of hitting "rock bottom" to me. (Also, I've actually seen this idea of pushing off the bottom taught formally as a survival skill, so I think it's cool that she figured it out on her own.)

I also think it's interesting that in order to survive, Ginny and John had to lose everything, but that what they had was later restored to them (but it took great effort to get it). And I think the shame they felt at being picked up for a ride by a stranger in their bathing suits is something any addict or loved one of an addict can relate too---that vulnerable feeling of being exposed in front of others who stay safely hidden behind their clothes. I also think that addicts and loved ones of addicts can relate to the feelings Ginny must have felt when she returned to her mother only to be served further shame rather than love and relief.

God is taking care of me

Yes, I'm still alive, and I'm still the wife of a sex addict. Ha.Ha.Ha. I feel like I've dropped off the face of the wopa (wife of porn addict) world. Sure, I've still been lurking on some online support groups, but I've only read y'alls blogs once in the past couple of weeks (and no comments even though I've loved all your posts, sorry!). There is a lot that I want to catch up on here, and I'm such a linear thinker that I would love to do it in order, but that's not going to happen tonight. Because: I'm finally really "working the steps." About a month ago I started participating regularly in a phone in meeting for the 12-step Healing Through Christ program. It has been great. I got an accountability partner right away and just a week or so ago I got a sponsor. I'm doing a thirty in thirty, which means I'm working the steps daily for 30 days and making contact with my sponsor every day. In addition to some part-time work and my two kids, I'm kind of busy right now. But it's been good for me, and there are some things I want to share from it, starting with step 1. But, I'm short on time right now and there is a post I need to write right now for part of a personal take on an assignment on Step 2.

In Step 2 there is a question about recognizing how the Lord has supported you in the past. I actually have lots of evidence of the Lord's involvement in my life. For 6 years I've been keeping a daily journal where I record how I've seen the hand of the Lord in my life that day (a la President Eyering's 2007 GC talk, O Remember, Remember). So I spent some time reading some of my journal entries from the past and I felt the need to share an experience of seeing the Lord's hand in my life on this blog, because writing is such an important way to process for me.

Although there are a lot of things from the past I could write about, I realized just a few minutes ago that something special happened last night that I wanted to share. Last night I was in a bit of a funk and even after a helpful conversation with my sponsor, I was spending some time lurking on blogs as a way of dulling my senses. By 1:00 am I was still laying in bed with my laptop, tired, but not feeling ready to turn my laptop off and face my dark room alone. Suddenly, I heard the pitter patter of tiny feet (for real, it's super cute sounding) and my 4 year old daughter pranced into my room and came to my bed with a sweet smile on her face and asked if she could cuddle. I let her come under the covers and her face was just glowing and before I could even ask her why she woke up she started rambling in her cute, tired, four-year-old way, "I like to have dreams about things that I like in my dream like things I really like . . ." She had just woken up from a good dream and felt the urge to come cuddle with me. And even though my heart was immediately warmed, I thought I'd keep my laptop on for a few more minutes while she drifted back to sleep, but after about 2 minutes she told me that the computer light was hurting her eyes. So I turned it off, put it on the floor, and snuggled up with my sweet girl.

I appreciated her presence again in the morning when I woke from what had a been a long and emotionally taxing dream. I dreamed I had been given a death sentence (from a court of law) and there was some expectation that I might be released from the sentence, but it didn't happen, so I was just waiting for my life to end. There's more to the dream of course, but I'm sure you can imagine why it was so disturbing. For most of the dream I was just sobbing my eyes out about the fact that my life was going to be over so soon (within hours), punctuated by short spurts of me trying to bravely accept my fate. Waking up to my sweet girl who was anxious for me to wake up  and get out of bed was really helpful. (She pretended to be Simba from The Lion King and started pouncing on me like he pounces on his dad to wake him up; it didn't hurt, thank goodness, but it did the job and was pretty cute.)*

This has never happened before. It has even been a really long time (4+ months?) since she has woken up from a nightmare or to go to the bathroom (she does still wear pull ups) or anything in the middle of the night. Once she woke up in the middle of the night and was happy, but she was convinced it was morning time and had gotten dressed for preschool and then was distraught when I explained it was 3 am and she couldn't have breakfast yet. Can I say for sure if this incident was a miracle rather than just a happy coincidence of REM cycles? No. Do I know why last night my daughter was in a position to help lift my spirits, but there have been plenty of other nights I've been left alone or my role as a parent has added to my stress? No. But a lifetime of experiences like this (documented on a daily basis for the past 6 years) are like stones that create the foundation of my testimony. By themselves, they may seem small and insignificant, but when joined by the mortar of my faith, they represent something much, much bigger and indisputably concrete. Everything about my life shows me that God lives. That He loves me. And that He has the power to help me keep His commandments and feel peace and joy despite what is going on in my life. There are plenty of questions I can't answer, but I do feel confident that I KNOW these things. Sometimes I start to forget them, especially on days where it's a harder to see His hand in my life (many days I recognize His hand in my life by expressing gratitude for a blessing in my life because I feel that all good things in my life are a gift from God). But whenever I take the time to remember, I regain confidence in my knowledge.

I wish I had more time to clean this post up. It feels rushed and sloppy. Because I'm rushed (I have a call with my sponsor in 15 minutes before the 12-step phone in meeting in 45 minutes) and sloppy (let's just say my yoga pants are earning their keep in my wardrobe). I'm grateful God is helping take care of me, but  I think tomorrow I need to take a little bit better care of myself.

*I feel the need to say that I work very hard to not make my children responsible for my emotional state or to burden them with my emotions. I do not expect my child to fix my mood or my problems. But I am thankful for my daughter's sweet, innocent spirit and the joy and peace and purpose that brings to my life, and how her presence was a blessing to me last night.

Self-care is helping me survive, but it is not my salvation

Each day this week got progressively more emotionally intense for me, with the emotional climax being the couples therapy session I participated in Friday afternoon. I have had the good fortune of not struggling with a lot of triggers, but in the last 72 hours, my emotions have made up for lost time. It has been really hard for me. For example, this morning I woke up at 5:30 am from a peaceful sleep but instantly felt terrified. I felt like I was waking up from a nightmare except that all the fear I was feeling had to do with the nightmare that is my life. Ok, that sounds dramatic. My life is not that horrible. But in the last 72 hours, I've experienced some horrible fear.

The only reason I'm here (writing on my blog) to tell about it is because of self-care. Self-care, self-care, self-care. That is what my sanity rests on at this point. I feel, as I have felt at times before, that I am just one or two acts of self-care away from break down. It's a scary place to be. I'm so grateful that my husband is a good dad and has an extremely flexible work schedule right now. Of course, he's not being a good husband and his flexible work schedule corresponds with the fact that he is an underemployed and underpaid graduate student. But, he gets credit for being a good dad and stepping up in some major ways that allow me to focus on doing what I need to do to not completely lose it. (The irony of this situation is still killing me, but I need to move on and not get hung up on it.)

But. God made a point of letting me know something this week. Self-care is not enough. It might be enough to keep me sane. Maybe. But even if it can keep me sane, it's not enough to keep me happy. It's not enough for me to heal emotionally from the effects of my husband's infidelity and dishonesty. It's not enough to help me be who I need to be and do what I need to do in order for our marriage to succeed if my husband chooses to act in ways that keep that option viable. Good self-care reduces the likelihood that I experience emotional triggers. And it helps me resume my functioning after I experience them. But it does not free me from the effects of them or the pain that sets me up for those emotional traps. Nothing that I can do or that my husband can do or that anyone else on earth can do is enough for that. I need more.

I need the Savior's help. I need Him to ease my pain. To bind my broken heart and soothe it with healing salve. I need Him to teach me how to live and think and love in ways that will keep me safe from the choices others make that can affect me in harmful ways. I need Him to help me learn from my pain and find ways to use it for good. I need to feel His love for me so I have love to share with others. I need Him to guide me and show me the way to safety. I need His compassion, His wisdom, His strength, His light to make my broken life whole. 

There are many ways to access what the Lord has to offer. I will continue to read my scriptures and pray daily, read good books, and keep the commandments. But this week I participated in some phone-in 12-step Healing Through Christ meetings and I realized, not for the first time, how important this resource is to my healing. I specifically know that I am to be using this program as a key component of my recovery. So I'm committing myself to participating in a phone-in meeting once a week and soon I will create more specific goals about how I plan to work the steps. 

I'm so thankful for the lessons I've learned about self-care and for how effective it is for me in managing my emotional pain. But I'm also grateful for the knowledge I have of a loving Heavenly Father who has prepared a way for my pain to be in some cases eased, in some cases removed, and in some cases transformed in ways that bring me more complete relief and put me on a path leading toward peace.

How was your day?

A lot has happened in the last two weeks since I posted about my experience with my Stake President (see here and here). I spent a week in Utah and got to spend lots of time with lots of friends. I stayed with and visited some friends from college and on Saturday (the 19th) I went to the Togetherness Project conference. It was amazing. I hope to write many posts about the incredible experiences I had that day (and the night before at the AWESOME party a bunch of gals had to get to know each other better). I went to the Temple and between that and a revelatory experience in prayer, have greater confidence in what my focus in life is to be. And then I came home to my beautiful girls and the harder realities that exist in my life right now. Sigh. I have hit a few emotional bumps in the last week.

But that is not what this post is about. It is about my day today. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night. I was up late finishing some work for a short-term, part-time job I have and then couldn't fall asleep and then my kids woke me up at 6:30.

I had a work phone call that I wasn't as prepared for as I would have liked to have been, and that left me feeling insecure. Transitioning back to work, even after "just" four years of being on the mommy track is not fun or easy.

I got to talk to a very close friend (um, I actually think of her as a sister even though we aren't even close to being related and technically I don't know what having a sister is like since I just have brothers) and she listened to me ramble non coherently about where I'm at with things. I told her how I woke up this morning thinking about how comfortable I've gotten with the inherent uncertainty in my life and in particular, regarding the future status of my marriage. I told her that I realized today that I don't even want to know if H and I will ever divorce or if we will stay married because depending on my mood at a given moment or day, either outcome could be really discouraging to me. I'm just trying to figure out what to do with myself, and that is taking all my effort right now.

I had a productive afternoon. While my youngest daughter napped I did some work I need to do and also spent half an hour braiding the hair of my oldest daughter's My Little Ponies. On her request. It was a half an hour where I felt like a good mom. After naptime, we had a playdate.

But by the time my husband got home at dinner time, I was DONE. Just too tired to be a good mom or a good person any longer. I ate my leftovers burrito in about 5 minutes and then retreated to my room and vegged. I was ready to continue sinking lower into the blog and FB lurking that is my go-to veg behavior, but I stopped myself. I remembered how much I have to do. And how much I want to do but don't seem to have time for. And yet somehow I always make time to lurk. So I stopped lurking and looked at my to-do list. Earlier in the day I had felt (and shared) some shame I felt about having signed up for the free Addo Recovery class over a month ago and still not doing any of the work. So I started. I did the first lesson tonight. It really didn't take long. And I think it was good for me. I was proud of myself for doing it. Glad I did it. But did I feel good? No. Because it dredged up some ugly emotions that I work so hard to keep a lid on so I can do all the things I need to do each day (be a mom, do my job, drive my car without fantasizing driving off the road or out of the state, etc.). I wanted to vomit up my burrito. For the record, I have never made myself puke before. And I plan to keep it that way. But that doesn't keep me from thinking about it sometimes, especially when I eat too much. Which happens a lot when I'm emotional. Ugh.

I cleaned my room a little (it is still a pit, but my closet is less cluttered now), talked to a friend on the phone a bit, and then my VTers came over. Had a really nice visit. They don't know any specifics, but they do know that H and I are in couples therapy. One is a therapist and she has some knowledge and skills that are helpful. Like, when I started crying pretty much out of nowhere, she quieted right down (like me, she's usually very talkative), and while I squeezed my eyes shut as tears were streaming from them, I could feel the care and reverence she and the other sister (who is very quiet all of the time) felt for me and my emotion. They offered to listen if I wanted to tell them more, but I felt no pressure to. There was just so much space and respect afforded to me in that moment. I considered telling them that I have my own bedroom. That I have been lonely for years. That I don't know if I'll be married a year from now. I didn't. Maybe I will another time. I don't know. But I do know that even though they don't know why I'm hurting, it was good to let them catch a glimpse of my pain and they responded in such a kind, supportive way. The quiet sister shared a lesson that was simple, but inspired, and there was emotion in her voice when she shared it that indicated to me her care for me. They gave me hugs before they left (I am at a place where I do not take physical contact for granted right now---I take all the hugs I can get). In the lesson, the quiet sister suggested I read my P-blessing and I know that was inspired.

As I went upstairs to my room, the chorus of "I don't want to wait" came to mind. I thought back to what I had told my friend this morning about being ok with not knowing how my marriage is going to work out. That is mostly true. But I clarified my perspective by reminding myself that I'm ok not knowing the end from the beginning, but that I am at the point where I am requiring my husband to make choices that affect my level of commitment to our marriage in real-time. And then I read my P-blessing. I felt so much peace and could see so much of my life in it, which is always a good thing. Usually it's hard to read because there are a couple parts referring to my marriage and husband and I go a little crazy wondering if it refers to H or some future husband. Tonight I was blessed with a clear vision of how the promises contained in my blessing could apply to H. And I remembered what my individual and couples therapists have told me several times: that for everything we're going through, which they do not minimize at all, H and I have a lot going for us. A lot of personal and relationship strengths that give them reason to be encouraged that we could pull through this. Does either their assessments or my reading of my P-blessing tonight mean that we will stay married? No. I don't think it guarantees that. And even if it somehow did (which I'm doubtful of), I'm not sure I'm ready to invest my emotion even in a guarantee. I'm not healed enough for that. But it is important for me to know that it is a possibility, and that possibility is reason enough to keep putting in my best effort. Which means I'm still not looking forward to our couples therapy session this Friday afternoon, but I do plan on gearing myself up for it and engaging as much and as honestly as I am able when we go.

So my VTer who is a therapist once counseled someone who had serious anxiety regarding her dissertation. I'm trying to write a dissertation right now (nowhere even close to finishing) so I asked her for some off the cuff advice about making progress. It was great, and totally applies to wopas, too:

• It's a huge amount of work---like trying to eat an elephant. Just take it one bite at a time. (Don't we all feel that we're dealing with an elephant in the room with our husband's addictions? I love using the analogy of eating an elephant for this aspect of my life.)
• Set an absolutely non-negotiable work commitment that nothing can interfere with. Even if you choose to commit to a minimum of opening your dissertation file and staring at it (if you're incapable of more) for 2 minutes once a week, once you set that goal, stick to it and don't let anything get in the way. As you do this, you will experience moments of productivity that will accumulate and build your momentum over time.
• Motivation is not required for action. It sure is helpful. But you do not need to feel motivated to do what you need to do. Don't wait to feel motivated before you act, because it may never come in that order.

That was my day. How was yours?

Meeting with my SP, Part II: Feeling victorious

If you haven't yet read my previous post,  

Meeting with my SP, Part I: And so my needs are great, 

I recommend doing so to put this post in context.

If for some reason, anything in this post is a trigger for you, I apologize.

I hope that what I share here will help you as it has helped me, 

but if it doesn't please remember that everything my SP addressed 

and the manner in which he did so resonated deeply with me and my needs 

and I consider our conversation a sacred experience. 

As we entered the room, during that awkward few moments as your getting settled in your seat, my SP (Stake President) asked how my children were (and he remembered the age and first name of one of my two children---that's impressive in my book). I am so grateful he asked how they were instead of asking how I was at this point. It was so much more comfortable for me to quickly and honestly answer that they were doing well than it would have been for me to make up a succinct answer about how I'm doing if he had asked me how I was. This really made me feel more at ease.

Then my SP asked me to open our meeting with a prayer. And then we proceeded to have a conversation which I can only describe as being completely inspired. The topics my SP addressed, the questions he asked, the ideas he shared, and even a number of the specific words and phrases he used were all so personally relevant to my feelings and experience that I cannot deny that he is an inspired man of God, and I trust that he is worthy of the Priesthood he bears.

He began by informing me that within the next month or two, our Stake will begin an Addiction Recovery Program; the couple who will be leading it have already been called and are currently being trained. I didn't want to interrupt him by expressing my happiness about this, so I just quietly but very noticeably clapped and smiled as he explained this. At this point, the Stake is beginning just with a program for addicts, but he sounded very interested in and supportive of starting a separate meeting for spouses of addicts once the addict program was up and running. I should note that one of my biggest priorities for our discussion tonight was to ask him about the status of starting an ARP for our stake, so I was quite pleased that this matter was addressed, and by him, and so early in our conversation.

Next, he asked me how I was doing---specifically, how I felt about my self-worth. I explained how I have ups and downs and lately I've been having some downs specifically related to my feelings of worth. That ultimately I know who I am and what I'm worth but I don't always feel that, especially lately. Interspersed in this conversation thread was some specific questions from him and explanations from me about my husband and our relationship, but after establishing some basic context, my SP clearly directed the focus back to how I was doing by asking this unusual question:

"Do you feel that you are succeeding?"

I had to think for a moment about what this question meant. I answered that ultimately I know that I'm headed in the right direction; I'm doing the big stuff I need to be doing; I'm on the right path. But there are lots of little things I'm struggling with. I feel like I keep tripping and falling on my face, but I do keep getting up and I'm staying on the path. To this, he emphatically responded that yes, I am on the right path, and I am succeeding. He referred to a past General Conference talk President Uchtdorf's gave about toddlers learning to walk. He said that tripping and falling on my face and getting back up is part of being successful:

"You are trying. That is winning."

And when I heard this, I thought: Winning. Victory. Yes, God was speaking through my SP to me---Victory.

The he gave me an analogy about a chair. Each leg represents a different domain of life: emotional, spiritual, physical, intellectual. If one of those domains suffers a blow and that chair leg loses 6 inches, the entire chair will be way off balance even if everything is really ok in other domains. So, my emotional needs have suffered a blow because of my husband's actions, and I may feel like other aspects of my life are suffering, but really I'm probably doing ok as long as I'm maintaining the basics. He said that he wanted me to know this because in situations like mine, many people feel guilty for not praying or studying their scriptures like they think he should. He said that if I have the energy and time to put into lengthy prayer and scripture study, great. But if I have an hour available to me, it might make sense to spend just a few minutes in scripture study and most of that time reading about addiction recovery in order to address the domain of my life with the greatest need. He said to do the basics: yes, read scriptures every day. Yes, eat healthy food. But not to worry or feel guilty if I felt off balance or that some areas of my life weren't getting as much attention as others. He said (in effect): 

"You may not be the best mom right now. That's ok. Your children will be better off in the long run if you do what you need to do now. Things are hard now, but if you keep doing what you are doing, 2 years from now there will be a happier you." 

He expressed confidence in my husband and me: that we are capable people and despite the stresses we're facing, we have some things going for us that give reason for hope. Taking the nature of our situation in consideration, he said that things are going as well for us as they possibly could be. To be honest, I agree. I get pretty caught up emotionally with the fact that my life is not how I wish it were, but I do feel deep within me that for what I'm dealing with, my life is as good as it could be, and ultimately, still very good.

He could have closed the meeting here, and I would have been more than content. But even though it was probably 9pm, he generously asked me if I had any questions that were of a nature that he specifically could address. That he wanted to be sure I had an opportunity to ask.

I looked down in thought for a few moments---my thoughts were a blur. I couldn't form a coherent, succinct question, but I rambled on for a minute or two, expanding upon the feelings I expressed at the beginning of the meeting about how preparing for Step 4 and struggling to face myself and some things I'm ashamed of and weaknesses that make it hard for me to remember that my husband's addiction is not about me. He listened so compassionately. I could see understanding in his face. And then he spoke with the spirit---kindly but convincingly---and he told me that God loves me and has a plan for me. That he knew that I knew that but that God wanted me to feel it. That God was pleased with me and the choices I've made and my truly righteous desires and that I was winning. And he told me that God is especially pleased with my charity. My husband has done things that clearly constitute grounds for divorce. I would be completely justified in divorcing him. But I have shown him patience and charity and given him room to use his agency. He referred to the scripture that says that charity covereth a multitude of sins. He said that one way that happens is that I have covered some of my husband's sins by showing charity and giving him the chance to change. And as I show that charity, I make myself eligible to have my sins covered by the Lord.

He then addressed the issue of having confidence before the Lord. He said that there are direct and indirect ways of addressing problems. In the case of self-confidence, he believes the latter is most appropriate. He did say that he believed that affirmations are one direct method that could have a positive affect on confidence. But he has found the indirect method of focusing on our actions toward others to be more meaningful. He used D&C 121 to support this idea. At the end of that section, the phrase "confidence waxing strong" appears. Up to that point, the section discusses the Priesthood and focuses on how access to Priesthood power hinges largely on how people treat each other. He referred to the relational focus of the commands of the Sermon on the Mount. He recognized that now is not the time in my life to spend 30 hours a week serving others. But that finding small ways of continuing to serve others would be meaningful to the confidence I felt before God. 

He then counseled me to conduct my personal inventory with caution; not to focus unduly on my weaknesses. He interpreted Ether 12:27 as meaning that our weaknesses serve to bring us to Christ; but Christ promises to make us strong, not necessarily eradicate our weaknesses. He said that sometimes when we go to Christ in relation to a weakness, he sometimes has other plans for us. Maybe he wants us to strengthen that weakness, or maybe we will be instructed to use one of our strengths to a greater degree.

He said that he was pleased to see me doing what I needed to do and being where I need to be. That faith is showing up. Going to church when you don't feel like and don't expect to get anything out of it, for whatever reason, is an act of faith, especially when you do not notice blessings in real time; the blessings may come later.

He said that he felt he had shared everything that needed to be shared, and I agreed. He asked if I would like to close with either a Priesthood blessing or a prayer. I told him that his words had been so inspired that I felt like I had already been given a Priesthood blessing. He said that when he told me about God's love for me, it felt like something he would have said in a blessing. I truly believe that our conversation, inspired by the Spirit, was a real Priesthood blessing to me. I thanked him for our conversation and also for the inspiration in selecting speakers and topics for Stake Conference and shared with him that after much emphasis on missionary work, which I persisted in having a disgruntled attitude about for longer than I'd like to admit, I had some simple ideas about what I could do, and had already started to enact one of those ideas yesterday.

My faith in the capacity of men to be good has been bolstered significantly. My testimony of the Priesthood has been renewed. And I'm feeling God's love, and as a result, I'm feeling calm, confident, and care toward others. Right here, right now, I'm feeling victorious.

Meeting with my SP, Part I: And so my needs are great

About a month ago, I started feeling that it is time for me to start gearing myself up to do Step 4 (Personal Inventory). This step has always scared me. But for the past month or so I've had experiences where I have been surprised to find myself wanting to do it and feeling the need to do it. Although I haven't started the formal work (the fact that I don't have a sponsor is adding to my reluctance to get started), I've been spending more and more time thinking about who I am and, as mentioned in my So Much post, facing my feelings about myself hasn't been fun or easy. Lots of fear, insecurity, shame, and uncertainty. 

One of the parts of myself I have been facing has been my social/emotional neediness. Last weekend I attended the adult session of Stake Conference Saturday night and the general session Sunday morning. During both meetings, I found myself wishing that the Stake President would reach out to me personally, just to check up on me. I knew he was aware of my situation through one of his counselors (I met with him because he was in my ward the day after D-day this summer) and  mybishop. I haven't reached out to him because I've felt like my bishop and home teacher have taken good care of me. But this weekend, I felt needy. I wanted support from my Stake President. Because I'm so much more aware of inner self right now, I felt extra guilty about this desire: he has so many demands on his time, and really I'm doing ok. Why do I need so much attention and reassurance? But despite my guilt, I still felt a little sorry for myself when I left Stake Conference on Sunday.

An hour and a half after Stake Conference ended, my Stake President called me. I missed the call because I was putting my daughter down for a nap, but he left me a voicemail saying he wanted to check in with me and he was hoping to meet with me in the next few days. I was surprised and not surprised at the same time. As the prophet Zenos said (recorded in Alma 33: 9):

Yea, O God, thou hast been merciful unto me, 

and heard my cries in the midst of thy congregations.

God heard my prayer. I knew he could. I just didn't know that he would. Could my desire have been righteous? Or was God just indulging me out of pity? I was able to schedule a meeting with my Stake President for tonight (Tuesday night) before flying out to Utah tomorrow for The Togetherness Project. I was so grateful that it worked out to meet with him before I went out of town, but as I drove to the meetinghouse, I felt more guilt. Why should the Stake President have to stay later, leaving his wife and 6 children at home without him, to meet with me when I'm doing ok? I've had experiences that have shown me that God is caring for me (including this morning when after praying, the Lord helped me overcome some pressing feelings of insecurity and inadequacy), and I'm just about to go out of state for a week to see friends and soak up support. Why do I need so much reassurance? Am I just broken? How did I get that way?

Softly and without fanfare, a few of the words to the song I had sung to my daughter before bed tonight came to mind:

I am a child of God 

and so my needs are great.

I can't say that this completely resolved my guilt, but it did assuage some of it. I have great needs not in spite of being a child of God but because I am a child of God. I am So Much. I will someday be So Much More. And so my needs are great. No need to feel sorry for that.

So Much More

I wrote So Much. And then I watched these videos on toxic shame by John Bradshaw:

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q2tZa1gp8Q
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0iDFa3OOTI
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=em2GO6yCSdY
Part 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzeGAUGvdX4
Part 5: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M03a0_QqDw
Part 6: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wzZi7BPJBI

And now I have So Much more going through my head and heart. I highly recommend watching these. I learned so much about how I want to be as a parent and what needs to change in me to be the person I want to be.

So Much

A few lovely ladies I am blessed to count as friends helped film some commercials for Addo Recovery. The videos were published online a few weeks ago (one video is shown here, and after it plays you'll see the other ones along the top bar), but I didn't take the time to watch them until today. I wish I had taken the time to watch them sooner. If you haven't watched them yet, I encourage you to watch them now. Or right after reading my blog post. Or as soon as you can. I was so touched by what all of them had to share, in addition to the fact that they were sharing at all, and so openly. What they have done takes so much courage. I honor them for that courage.

There were many truths expressed in the videos that I took into my heart, but the truth that touched me the most deeply today had to do with what Shay shared about our worth and being enough. I think most people would describe me as a very confident person. I think most of the time, I would describe myself that way. Which is why I am sometimes surprised when I recognize that I am not always very confident in my knowledge of my worth. 

As I've participated in individual therapy and started to do couples therapy with my husband (we had our first session just last week), I've become more aware of my feelings of low self-worth. I think what it gets down to is that I'm fairly confident about many of the things I do. I perform well in school. I teach good lessons in Relief Society. I make my friends feel loved. These are things I know I do well. But when I stop thinking about what I do and start thinking about who I am---if I put my accomplishments and to-do lists to one side and just let it all be and look at me . . . well, I don't even know what I'm looking at, really. I really struggle to know how to separate who I am from what I do. And I think this struggle makes sense, since if we are being true to ourselves, our actions should be a reflection of who we are, at least most of the time. But are my actions true to who I am? Am I living my life in such a way that I feel comfortable in my own skin as I use it? And what are the essential characteristics of who I am? I try to figure this out by imagining I suddenly have become unable to use my body (like if I was in an accident and became immobilized) and couldn't do anything---not even speak; technically this wouldn't change my soul---who I am on the inside. What is in there, in that change-able, but untouchable eternal part of me?

I trust there is much in there, and that a lot of it is good. But I don't always feel that way. Last week at the end of my individual session, my therapist and I got on the topic of self-worth. I cried quietly as she said:

"Your worth is not dependent on your behavior or your husband's feelings toward you."

This is so hard for me to fully accept because I often feel that the good things I do are just a way to distract onlookers from the lesser parts of myself. So often it feels like a facade. This is where my faith in Christ and love for the Book of Mormon help me a little. In Moroni 7: 11-13, we are taught how to judge:

"For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water; wherefore, a man being a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if he follow Christ he cannot be a servant of the devil. Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil  continually.  But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God."

So I try to believe that the good I do comes from the good in me, which comes from the good that is God. I am His child, and have inherited divine characteristics that motivate me to do good. I can write that. I can say that. I can believe that. But I can't always feel it.

But I felt it a little today when I listened to Shay. In this video, her worth and beauty and wisdom and charity are so apparent. She knows that she is enough. And I can see that she is. And when she mentioned other wopas she knows who are also enough, I thought of the many wopas I've been blessed to get to know: your worth and beauty and wisdom and charity are so apparent to me. And, amazingly, I was able to mentally lump myself in that group of amazing women. As Shay talked about how her husband's addiction limited not the way he felt about her but the extent to which he could feel, it suddenly hit me: we are So Much. I sometimes think that maybe my husband and I married because my personal weaknesses somehow matched or attracted my husband's addiction. That I wasn't good enough for a man without this particular personal challenge. But Shay's words helped me feel that I am So Much that my husband could see and feel and be attracted to me even through the depths of his addiction. I am not just enough. There is So Much to me and my goodness, and I have so much potential. Potential for bad, yes. But I also infinite potential for good, and so does my husband. And the fact that I'm expressing So Much of that good potential is a marvelous thing. 

Where it stays a little tricky for me is that even if my worth does not depend on my behavior or my husbands' feelings for me, my marriage does. If I behave in certain ways, my husband will feel certain ways, and may not want me anymore. No matter how good I feel about myself, I don't see how I could ever not be affected on some level by him not wanting me, if that is or is ever the case. I think that has to do partially with using him to feed my feelings of worth, which I can get over if I get better at feeling my worth. But I also think it has to do at least partially with really and truly loving him. How could I bear to be rejected by someone I love? How does God do it? I guess I don't know if I'll ever know how God does it, and that's ok as long as I'm comfortable with the fact that He can help me do it when I need to. 

And maybe that's how I get over feel worth my worth through my husband or through what I do: experiencing God by my side when I am alone and doing nothing at all. I believe whole-heartedly that God wants us to connect with and serve each other; I have such a testimony of who I am as a relational being. But I need to remember that Christ sometimes left the company of all mortal men to make time and space to commune with his Father. I think I need to be more mindful about really putting myself in my daily prayer and scripture study to achieve that.

I Don't Want to Wait (Introducing my new theme song)

About two months ago when I was starting to think about creating this new blog to replace my old "Victory Will Wait" blog, I spent a lot of time thinking about the fact that I was done waiting for my husband to start addressing certain things. (That's why I gave him an ultimatum almost three months ago.) One night when I was driving in the car, I heard the end of the song "I Don't Want to Wait" by Paula Cole on the radio. Her words felt so right to me even though I didn't know all the lyrics to her song. I looked them up when I got home that night, and I was overwhelmed by how much this song related to my feelings about my marriage. I will always love the song "I will wait for you" by Mumford and Sons. It was a great theme song for me last year, and it will continue to hold a place on the soundtrack of my married life, but I've decided to make "I Don't Want to Wait" my current theme song.

"I Don't Want To Wait" by Paula Cole

So open up your morning light,
And say a little prayer for right
You know that if we are to stay alive
Then see the peace in every eye...

doo doo doo doo do doo do
do do doo doo doo doo dooo doo ooh

She had two babies, one was six months, one was three
In the war of '44...
Every telephone ring, every heartbeat stinging
When she thought it was God calling her
Oh, would her son grow to know his father?

[CHORUS:]
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
I want to know right now, what will it be?
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
Will it be yes or will it be...sorry?

doo doo oooh doo ooh do do ooh

He showed up all wet on the rainy front step
Wearing shrapnel in his skin
And the war he saw lives inside him still,
It's so hard to be gentle and warm
The years pass by and now he has granddaughters

[CHORUS]
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
I want to know right now, what will it be?
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
Will it be yes or will it be...sorry?

doo doo oooh doo ooh do do ooh

You look at me from across the room
You're wearing your anguish again
Believe me I know the feeling
It sucks you into the jaws of anger (oooooooh)
So breathe a little more deeply my love
All we have is this very moment
And I don't want to do what his father,
And his father, and his father did,
I want to be here now
So open up your morning light,
And say a little prayer for right
You know that if we are to stay alive,
And see the peace in every eye...

[CHORUS x2]
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
I want to know right now, what will it be?
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
Will it be yes or will it be...sorry?

doo doo doo dooo oooh do dooo doo
doo doo doo dooo do doooo oooh
doo doo doo do dooo do do

So open up your morning light,
And say a little prayer for right
You know that if we are to stay alive
Then see the love in every eye... 

(You can click here to listen to it on youtube. I don't really love the music video for the song, so I'm linking to a clip showing the album cover for the Dawson Creek soundtrack since "I Don't Want to Wait" was the theme song for that.)

I feel that the lyrics about the husband's war experience are relevant to my husband's experience with sex addiction, and it just so happens that my children are about 2.5 years apart. I'd love to hear if this song speaks to your experience as a wopa, and if so, what sticks out to you.

To me, this song speaks to a lot of the negative personal and relational consequences of addiction, but I love the first and last verse (starting with "So open up your morning light") because to me they express how we can use our agency and worthy desires to invite the power of God into our lives. And I believe that power can release us from the jaws of anger and heal our anguished hearts.

Welcome to My Story of Victory

Almost one year ago, I wrote my first post in my first blog, titled "Victory Will Wait," as a wopa (wife of porn addict). Now, as I write my first post in my second blog as a wopa, I recognize that many aspects of my life have stayed the same. Even though I know that right now I am on the best possible path I can be, I have as many questions about the past and future as I've ever had. I still have many moments and days and nights filled with feelings of fear and failure---so much so that I have waited a long time to start this new blog because of how ashamed I feel to continue writing "My Story of Victory" under the pen name "Victory Now." How can I claim to have victory now, when so often I feel so lost?

And yet, here I am, doing just that: proclaiming myself victorious. Here. Now. Independent of the choices my husband makes today or in the tomorrows. Why? Because even though some parts of my life haven't changed, so many other parts have. Here are just a few examples of how my life is different from how it was one year ago:

• My support network as a wopa has grown substantially. There are no words for what this support means to me and how positively it has affected me.
• I came to the conclusion for myself that my husband was not just a user of pornography but an addict. I decided this for myself before he finally (after 2.5 years of lying about it) admitted it to himself and to me. Trusting my feelings and my assessment of my husband's behavior over his words was an important step for me.
• I have started "working the steps" in the Healing Through Christ 12-Step manual for loved ones of addicts. I am approaching step 4. I have not been as consistent with the step work as I want to be, but I am grateful for how much it has helped me with the time I have put into it so far. I cannot recommend this resource enough!
• I am learning how to establish and enforce boundaries that keep me safe and taken care of.  For example, I sleep in my own bed in my own bedroom every night. I am so grateful that we have three bedrooms and that six months before I needed the room for myself, the Lord specifically and repeatedly prompted me to begin having my two girls share a room (it took them a while to adjust to sleeping in the same room, so having extra time was helpful).
• I have a much better understanding of what a healthy marriage looks like and what needs to happen for my marriage to begin to approximate that. 
• I have more confidence that if my marriage does not provide me the safety that my children and I need, I will be ok without my husband. I'm not saying that divorce is the outcome I want---ideally, my husband will continue in his recovery indefinitely---but now that I understand the inherent uncertainty and vulnerability of my marriage (and my husband understands now, too), it is a comfort to not be so scared about the possibility of divorce. (It still scares me, but not nearly as much as it used to.)
• My first wopa blog was called "Victory Will Wait", in reference to my commitment to wait upon the Lord and be patient with my husband. I am still committed to staying close to the Lord and keeping the covenants I have made to him. That includes being patient with my husband as he makes honest effort toward recovery and healing our marriage. But I am done waiting for my husband. I gave my husband an ultimatum and have continued to make my expectations for his behavior in our marriage clear. The status of our relationship is contingent upon his behavior. I do not expect perfection, but I do require progress. (I can't find the credit for this phrase---it's used by SAA, I think.) 

Because of these changes, I have become stronger and more confident, which helps me feel hope for my future (although I don't always feel this hope for my marriage because my marriage is not completely in my control). But ultimately I am choosing to refer to my life in terms of victory not because of how I feel and what I can do, but because I believe that "love wins" (credit: Glennon Melton of momastary.com) and I know that God lives and loves. I know this because I experience that love internally for myself and through the intimate and inspired support of family and friends. It is when I feel this love that I feel victorious---safe, free, peaceful, and sometimes even joyous. Not every post in this blog will be written when I feel victorious, but I am comfortable sharing those experiences because I have learned that these darker times provide meaningful contrast to periods of greater illumination. Victory exists only because of the possibility of loss. This truth makes me all the more grateful that because of Christ and his love, any loss I suffer can be temporary and any victory for myself does not create loss for others. 

Love: that is my victory. And this is where I will tell my story.

Love,
Victory Now

P.S. If you're interested in a summary of the extent of my husband's addiction, as he disclosed it to me just this past summer, click here (be warned that this post could be an emotional trigger).