But that is not what this post is about. It is about my day today. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night. I was up late finishing some work for a short-term, part-time job I have and then couldn't fall asleep and then my kids woke me up at 6:30.
I had a work phone call that I wasn't as prepared for as I would have liked to have been, and that left me feeling insecure. Transitioning back to work, even after "just" four years of being on the mommy track is not fun or easy.
I got to talk to a very close friend (um, I actually think of her as a sister even though we aren't even close to being related and technically I don't know what having a sister is like since I just have brothers) and she listened to me ramble non coherently about where I'm at with things. I told her how I woke up this morning thinking about how comfortable I've gotten with the inherent uncertainty in my life and in particular, regarding the future status of my marriage. I told her that I realized today that I don't even want to know if H and I will ever divorce or if we will stay married because depending on my mood at a given moment or day, either outcome could be really discouraging to me. I'm just trying to figure out what to do with myself, and that is taking all my effort right now.
I had a productive afternoon. While my youngest daughter napped I did some work I need to do and also spent half an hour braiding the hair of my oldest daughter's My Little Ponies. On her request. It was a half an hour where I felt like a good mom. After naptime, we had a playdate.
But by the time my husband got home at dinner time, I was DONE. Just too tired to be a good mom or a good person any longer. I ate my leftovers burrito in about 5 minutes and then retreated to my room and vegged. I was ready to continue sinking lower into the blog and FB lurking that is my go-to veg behavior, but I stopped myself. I remembered how much I have to do. And how much I want to do but don't seem to have time for. And yet somehow I always make time to lurk. So I stopped lurking and looked at my to-do list. Earlier in the day I had felt (and shared) some shame I felt about having signed up for the free Addo Recovery class over a month ago and still not doing any of the work. So I started. I did the first lesson tonight. It really didn't take long. And I think it was good for me. I was proud of myself for doing it. Glad I did it. But did I feel good? No. Because it dredged up some ugly emotions that I work so hard to keep a lid on so I can do all the things I need to do each day (be a mom, do my job, drive my car without fantasizing driving off the road or out of the state, etc.). I wanted to vomit up my burrito. For the record, I have never made myself puke before. And I plan to keep it that way. But that doesn't keep me from thinking about it sometimes, especially when I eat too much. Which happens a lot when I'm emotional. Ugh.
I cleaned my room a little (it is still a pit, but my closet is less cluttered now), talked to a friend on the phone a bit, and then my VTers came over. Had a really nice visit. They don't know any specifics, but they do know that H and I are in couples therapy. One is a therapist and she has some knowledge and skills that are helpful. Like, when I started crying pretty much out of nowhere, she quieted right down (like me, she's usually very talkative), and while I squeezed my eyes shut as tears were streaming from them, I could feel the care and reverence she and the other sister (who is very quiet all of the time) felt for me and my emotion. They offered to listen if I wanted to tell them more, but I felt no pressure to. There was just so much space and respect afforded to me in that moment. I considered telling them that I have my own bedroom. That I have been lonely for years. That I don't know if I'll be married a year from now. I didn't. Maybe I will another time. I don't know. But I do know that even though they don't know why I'm hurting, it was good to let them catch a glimpse of my pain and they responded in such a kind, supportive way. The quiet sister shared a lesson that was simple, but inspired, and there was emotion in her voice when she shared it that indicated to me her care for me. They gave me hugs before they left (I am at a place where I do not take physical contact for granted right now---I take all the hugs I can get). In the lesson, the quiet sister suggested I read my P-blessing and I know that was inspired.
As I went upstairs to my room, the chorus of "I don't want to wait" came to mind. I thought back to what I had told my friend this morning about being ok with not knowing how my marriage is going to work out. That is mostly true. But I clarified my perspective by reminding myself that I'm ok not knowing the end from the beginning, but that I am at the point where I am requiring my husband to make choices that affect my level of commitment to our marriage in real-time. And then I read my P-blessing. I felt so much peace and could see so much of my life in it, which is always a good thing. Usually it's hard to read because there are a couple parts referring to my marriage and husband and I go a little crazy wondering if it refers to H or some future husband. Tonight I was blessed with a clear vision of how the promises contained in my blessing could apply to H. And I remembered what my individual and couples therapists have told me several times: that for everything we're going through, which they do not minimize at all, H and I have a lot going for us. A lot of personal and relationship strengths that give them reason to be encouraged that we could pull through this. Does either their assessments or my reading of my P-blessing tonight mean that we will stay married? No. I don't think it guarantees that. And even if it somehow did (which I'm doubtful of), I'm not sure I'm ready to invest my emotion even in a guarantee. I'm not healed enough for that. But it is important for me to know that it is a possibility, and that possibility is reason enough to keep putting in my best effort. Which means I'm still not looking forward to our couples therapy session this Friday afternoon, but I do plan on gearing myself up for it and engaging as much and as honestly as I am able when we go.
So my VTer who is a therapist once counseled someone who had serious anxiety regarding her dissertation. I'm trying to write a dissertation right now (nowhere even close to finishing) so I asked her for some off the cuff advice about making progress. It was great, and totally applies to wopas, too:
- It's a huge amount of work---like trying to eat an elephant. Just take it one bite at a time. (Don't we all feel that we're dealing with an elephant in the room with our husband's addictions? I love using the analogy of eating an elephant for this aspect of my life.)
- Set an absolutely non-negotiable work commitment that nothing can interfere with. Even if you choose to commit to a minimum of opening your dissertation file and staring at it (if you're incapable of more) for 2 minutes once a week, once you set that goal, stick to it and don't let anything get in the way. As you do this, you will experience moments of productivity that will accumulate and build your momentum over time.
- Motivation is not required for action. It sure is helpful. But you do not need to feel motivated to do what you need to do. Don't wait to feel motivated before you act, because it may never come in that order.
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