Meeting with my SP, Part II: Feeling victorious

If you haven't yet read my previous post,  

Meeting with my SP, Part I: And so my needs are great, 

I recommend doing so to put this post in context.

If for some reason, anything in this post is a trigger for you, I apologize.

I hope that what I share here will help you as it has helped me, 

but if it doesn't please remember that everything my SP addressed 

and the manner in which he did so resonated deeply with me and my needs 

and I consider our conversation a sacred experience. 

As we entered the room, during that awkward few moments as your getting settled in your seat, my SP (Stake President) asked how my children were (and he remembered the age and first name of one of my two children---that's impressive in my book). I am so grateful he asked how they were instead of asking how I was at this point. It was so much more comfortable for me to quickly and honestly answer that they were doing well than it would have been for me to make up a succinct answer about how I'm doing if he had asked me how I was. This really made me feel more at ease.

Then my SP asked me to open our meeting with a prayer. And then we proceeded to have a conversation which I can only describe as being completely inspired. The topics my SP addressed, the questions he asked, the ideas he shared, and even a number of the specific words and phrases he used were all so personally relevant to my feelings and experience that I cannot deny that he is an inspired man of God, and I trust that he is worthy of the Priesthood he bears.

He began by informing me that within the next month or two, our Stake will begin an Addiction Recovery Program; the couple who will be leading it have already been called and are currently being trained. I didn't want to interrupt him by expressing my happiness about this, so I just quietly but very noticeably clapped and smiled as he explained this. At this point, the Stake is beginning just with a program for addicts, but he sounded very interested in and supportive of starting a separate meeting for spouses of addicts once the addict program was up and running. I should note that one of my biggest priorities for our discussion tonight was to ask him about the status of starting an ARP for our stake, so I was quite pleased that this matter was addressed, and by him, and so early in our conversation.

Next, he asked me how I was doing---specifically, how I felt about my self-worth. I explained how I have ups and downs and lately I've been having some downs specifically related to my feelings of worth. That ultimately I know who I am and what I'm worth but I don't always feel that, especially lately. Interspersed in this conversation thread was some specific questions from him and explanations from me about my husband and our relationship, but after establishing some basic context, my SP clearly directed the focus back to how I was doing by asking this unusual question:

"Do you feel that you are succeeding?"

I had to think for a moment about what this question meant. I answered that ultimately I know that I'm headed in the right direction; I'm doing the big stuff I need to be doing; I'm on the right path. But there are lots of little things I'm struggling with. I feel like I keep tripping and falling on my face, but I do keep getting up and I'm staying on the path. To this, he emphatically responded that yes, I am on the right path, and I am succeeding. He referred to a past General Conference talk President Uchtdorf's gave about toddlers learning to walk. He said that tripping and falling on my face and getting back up is part of being successful:

"You are trying. That is winning."

And when I heard this, I thought: Winning. Victory. Yes, God was speaking through my SP to me---Victory.

The he gave me an analogy about a chair. Each leg represents a different domain of life: emotional, spiritual, physical, intellectual. If one of those domains suffers a blow and that chair leg loses 6 inches, the entire chair will be way off balance even if everything is really ok in other domains. So, my emotional needs have suffered a blow because of my husband's actions, and I may feel like other aspects of my life are suffering, but really I'm probably doing ok as long as I'm maintaining the basics. He said that he wanted me to know this because in situations like mine, many people feel guilty for not praying or studying their scriptures like they think he should. He said that if I have the energy and time to put into lengthy prayer and scripture study, great. But if I have an hour available to me, it might make sense to spend just a few minutes in scripture study and most of that time reading about addiction recovery in order to address the domain of my life with the greatest need. He said to do the basics: yes, read scriptures every day. Yes, eat healthy food. But not to worry or feel guilty if I felt off balance or that some areas of my life weren't getting as much attention as others. He said (in effect): 

"You may not be the best mom right now. That's ok. Your children will be better off in the long run if you do what you need to do now. Things are hard now, but if you keep doing what you are doing, 2 years from now there will be a happier you." 

He expressed confidence in my husband and me: that we are capable people and despite the stresses we're facing, we have some things going for us that give reason for hope. Taking the nature of our situation in consideration, he said that things are going as well for us as they possibly could be. To be honest, I agree. I get pretty caught up emotionally with the fact that my life is not how I wish it were, but I do feel deep within me that for what I'm dealing with, my life is as good as it could be, and ultimately, still very good.

He could have closed the meeting here, and I would have been more than content. But even though it was probably 9pm, he generously asked me if I had any questions that were of a nature that he specifically could address. That he wanted to be sure I had an opportunity to ask.

I looked down in thought for a few moments---my thoughts were a blur. I couldn't form a coherent, succinct question, but I rambled on for a minute or two, expanding upon the feelings I expressed at the beginning of the meeting about how preparing for Step 4 and struggling to face myself and some things I'm ashamed of and weaknesses that make it hard for me to remember that my husband's addiction is not about me. He listened so compassionately. I could see understanding in his face. And then he spoke with the spirit---kindly but convincingly---and he told me that God loves me and has a plan for me. That he knew that I knew that but that God wanted me to feel it. That God was pleased with me and the choices I've made and my truly righteous desires and that I was winning. And he told me that God is especially pleased with my charity. My husband has done things that clearly constitute grounds for divorce. I would be completely justified in divorcing him. But I have shown him patience and charity and given him room to use his agency. He referred to the scripture that says that charity covereth a multitude of sins. He said that one way that happens is that I have covered some of my husband's sins by showing charity and giving him the chance to change. And as I show that charity, I make myself eligible to have my sins covered by the Lord.

He then addressed the issue of having confidence before the Lord. He said that there are direct and indirect ways of addressing problems. In the case of self-confidence, he believes the latter is most appropriate. He did say that he believed that affirmations are one direct method that could have a positive affect on confidence. But he has found the indirect method of focusing on our actions toward others to be more meaningful. He used D&C 121 to support this idea. At the end of that section, the phrase "confidence waxing strong" appears. Up to that point, the section discusses the Priesthood and focuses on how access to Priesthood power hinges largely on how people treat each other. He referred to the relational focus of the commands of the Sermon on the Mount. He recognized that now is not the time in my life to spend 30 hours a week serving others. But that finding small ways of continuing to serve others would be meaningful to the confidence I felt before God. 

He then counseled me to conduct my personal inventory with caution; not to focus unduly on my weaknesses. He interpreted Ether 12:27 as meaning that our weaknesses serve to bring us to Christ; but Christ promises to make us strong, not necessarily eradicate our weaknesses. He said that sometimes when we go to Christ in relation to a weakness, he sometimes has other plans for us. Maybe he wants us to strengthen that weakness, or maybe we will be instructed to use one of our strengths to a greater degree.

He said that he was pleased to see me doing what I needed to do and being where I need to be. That faith is showing up. Going to church when you don't feel like and don't expect to get anything out of it, for whatever reason, is an act of faith, especially when you do not notice blessings in real time; the blessings may come later.

He said that he felt he had shared everything that needed to be shared, and I agreed. He asked if I would like to close with either a Priesthood blessing or a prayer. I told him that his words had been so inspired that I felt like I had already been given a Priesthood blessing. He said that when he told me about God's love for me, it felt like something he would have said in a blessing. I truly believe that our conversation, inspired by the Spirit, was a real Priesthood blessing to me. I thanked him for our conversation and also for the inspiration in selecting speakers and topics for Stake Conference and shared with him that after much emphasis on missionary work, which I persisted in having a disgruntled attitude about for longer than I'd like to admit, I had some simple ideas about what I could do, and had already started to enact one of those ideas yesterday.

My faith in the capacity of men to be good has been bolstered significantly. My testimony of the Priesthood has been renewed. And I'm feeling God's love, and as a result, I'm feeling calm, confident, and care toward others. Right here, right now, I'm feeling victorious.