So Much

A few lovely ladies I am blessed to count as friends helped film some commercials for Addo Recovery. The videos were published online a few weeks ago (one video is shown here, and after it plays you'll see the other ones along the top bar), but I didn't take the time to watch them until today. I wish I had taken the time to watch them sooner. If you haven't watched them yet, I encourage you to watch them now. Or right after reading my blog post. Or as soon as you can. I was so touched by what all of them had to share, in addition to the fact that they were sharing at all, and so openly. What they have done takes so much courage. I honor them for that courage.

There were many truths expressed in the videos that I took into my heart, but the truth that touched me the most deeply today had to do with what Shay shared about our worth and being enough. I think most people would describe me as a very confident person. I think most of the time, I would describe myself that way. Which is why I am sometimes surprised when I recognize that I am not always very confident in my knowledge of my worth. 

As I've participated in individual therapy and started to do couples therapy with my husband (we had our first session just last week), I've become more aware of my feelings of low self-worth. I think what it gets down to is that I'm fairly confident about many of the things I do. I perform well in school. I teach good lessons in Relief Society. I make my friends feel loved. These are things I know I do well. But when I stop thinking about what I do and start thinking about who I am---if I put my accomplishments and to-do lists to one side and just let it all be and look at me . . . well, I don't even know what I'm looking at, really. I really struggle to know how to separate who I am from what I do. And I think this struggle makes sense, since if we are being true to ourselves, our actions should be a reflection of who we are, at least most of the time. But are my actions true to who I am? Am I living my life in such a way that I feel comfortable in my own skin as I use it? And what are the essential characteristics of who I am? I try to figure this out by imagining I suddenly have become unable to use my body (like if I was in an accident and became immobilized) and couldn't do anything---not even speak; technically this wouldn't change my soul---who I am on the inside. What is in there, in that change-able, but untouchable eternal part of me?

I trust there is much in there, and that a lot of it is good. But I don't always feel that way. Last week at the end of my individual session, my therapist and I got on the topic of self-worth. I cried quietly as she said:

"Your worth is not dependent on your behavior or your husband's feelings toward you."

This is so hard for me to fully accept because I often feel that the good things I do are just a way to distract onlookers from the lesser parts of myself. So often it feels like a facade. This is where my faith in Christ and love for the Book of Mormon help me a little. In Moroni 7: 11-13, we are taught how to judge:

"For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water; wherefore, a man being a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if he follow Christ he cannot be a servant of the devil. Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil  continually.  But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God."

So I try to believe that the good I do comes from the good in me, which comes from the good that is God. I am His child, and have inherited divine characteristics that motivate me to do good. I can write that. I can say that. I can believe that. But I can't always feel it.

But I felt it a little today when I listened to Shay. In this video, her worth and beauty and wisdom and charity are so apparent. She knows that she is enough. And I can see that she is. And when she mentioned other wopas she knows who are also enough, I thought of the many wopas I've been blessed to get to know: your worth and beauty and wisdom and charity are so apparent to me. And, amazingly, I was able to mentally lump myself in that group of amazing women. As Shay talked about how her husband's addiction limited not the way he felt about her but the extent to which he could feel, it suddenly hit me: we are So Much. I sometimes think that maybe my husband and I married because my personal weaknesses somehow matched or attracted my husband's addiction. That I wasn't good enough for a man without this particular personal challenge. But Shay's words helped me feel that I am So Much that my husband could see and feel and be attracted to me even through the depths of his addiction. I am not just enough. There is So Much to me and my goodness, and I have so much potential. Potential for bad, yes. But I also infinite potential for good, and so does my husband. And the fact that I'm expressing So Much of that good potential is a marvelous thing. 

Where it stays a little tricky for me is that even if my worth does not depend on my behavior or my husbands' feelings for me, my marriage does. If I behave in certain ways, my husband will feel certain ways, and may not want me anymore. No matter how good I feel about myself, I don't see how I could ever not be affected on some level by him not wanting me, if that is or is ever the case. I think that has to do partially with using him to feed my feelings of worth, which I can get over if I get better at feeling my worth. But I also think it has to do at least partially with really and truly loving him. How could I bear to be rejected by someone I love? How does God do it? I guess I don't know if I'll ever know how God does it, and that's ok as long as I'm comfortable with the fact that He can help me do it when I need to. 

And maybe that's how I get over feel worth my worth through my husband or through what I do: experiencing God by my side when I am alone and doing nothing at all. I believe whole-heartedly that God wants us to connect with and serve each other; I have such a testimony of who I am as a relational being. But I need to remember that Christ sometimes left the company of all mortal men to make time and space to commune with his Father. I think I need to be more mindful about really putting myself in my daily prayer and scripture study to achieve that.