Welcome to My Story of Victory

Almost one year ago, I wrote my first post in my first blog, titled "Victory Will Wait," as a wopa (wife of porn addict). Now, as I write my first post in my second blog as a wopa, I recognize that many aspects of my life have stayed the same. Even though I know that right now I am on the best possible path I can be, I have as many questions about the past and future as I've ever had. I still have many moments and days and nights filled with feelings of fear and failure---so much so that I have waited a long time to start this new blog because of how ashamed I feel to continue writing "My Story of Victory" under the pen name "Victory Now." How can I claim to have victory now, when so often I feel so lost?

And yet, here I am, doing just that: proclaiming myself victorious. Here. Now. Independent of the choices my husband makes today or in the tomorrows. Why? Because even though some parts of my life haven't changed, so many other parts have. Here are just a few examples of how my life is different from how it was one year ago:

• My support network as a wopa has grown substantially. There are no words for what this support means to me and how positively it has affected me.
• I came to the conclusion for myself that my husband was not just a user of pornography but an addict. I decided this for myself before he finally (after 2.5 years of lying about it) admitted it to himself and to me. Trusting my feelings and my assessment of my husband's behavior over his words was an important step for me.
• I have started "working the steps" in the Healing Through Christ 12-Step manual for loved ones of addicts. I am approaching step 4. I have not been as consistent with the step work as I want to be, but I am grateful for how much it has helped me with the time I have put into it so far. I cannot recommend this resource enough!
• I am learning how to establish and enforce boundaries that keep me safe and taken care of.  For example, I sleep in my own bed in my own bedroom every night. I am so grateful that we have three bedrooms and that six months before I needed the room for myself, the Lord specifically and repeatedly prompted me to begin having my two girls share a room (it took them a while to adjust to sleeping in the same room, so having extra time was helpful).
• I have a much better understanding of what a healthy marriage looks like and what needs to happen for my marriage to begin to approximate that. 
• I have more confidence that if my marriage does not provide me the safety that my children and I need, I will be ok without my husband. I'm not saying that divorce is the outcome I want---ideally, my husband will continue in his recovery indefinitely---but now that I understand the inherent uncertainty and vulnerability of my marriage (and my husband understands now, too), it is a comfort to not be so scared about the possibility of divorce. (It still scares me, but not nearly as much as it used to.)
• My first wopa blog was called "Victory Will Wait", in reference to my commitment to wait upon the Lord and be patient with my husband. I am still committed to staying close to the Lord and keeping the covenants I have made to him. That includes being patient with my husband as he makes honest effort toward recovery and healing our marriage. But I am done waiting for my husband. I gave my husband an ultimatum and have continued to make my expectations for his behavior in our marriage clear. The status of our relationship is contingent upon his behavior. I do not expect perfection, but I do require progress. (I can't find the credit for this phrase---it's used by SAA, I think.) 

Because of these changes, I have become stronger and more confident, which helps me feel hope for my future (although I don't always feel this hope for my marriage because my marriage is not completely in my control). But ultimately I am choosing to refer to my life in terms of victory not because of how I feel and what I can do, but because I believe that "love wins" (credit: Glennon Melton of momastary.com) and I know that God lives and loves. I know this because I experience that love internally for myself and through the intimate and inspired support of family and friends. It is when I feel this love that I feel victorious---safe, free, peaceful, and sometimes even joyous. Not every post in this blog will be written when I feel victorious, but I am comfortable sharing those experiences because I have learned that these darker times provide meaningful contrast to periods of greater illumination. Victory exists only because of the possibility of loss. This truth makes me all the more grateful that because of Christ and his love, any loss I suffer can be temporary and any victory for myself does not create loss for others. 

Love: that is my victory. And this is where I will tell my story.

Love,
Victory Now

P.S. If you're interested in a summary of the extent of my husband's addiction, as he disclosed it to me just this past summer, click here (be warned that this post could be an emotional trigger).