How was your day?

A lot has happened in the last two weeks since I posted about my experience with my Stake President (see here and here). I spent a week in Utah and got to spend lots of time with lots of friends. I stayed with and visited some friends from college and on Saturday (the 19th) I went to the Togetherness Project conference. It was amazing. I hope to write many posts about the incredible experiences I had that day (and the night before at the AWESOME party a bunch of gals had to get to know each other better). I went to the Temple and between that and a revelatory experience in prayer, have greater confidence in what my focus in life is to be. And then I came home to my beautiful girls and the harder realities that exist in my life right now. Sigh. I have hit a few emotional bumps in the last week.

But that is not what this post is about. It is about my day today. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night. I was up late finishing some work for a short-term, part-time job I have and then couldn't fall asleep and then my kids woke me up at 6:30.

I had a work phone call that I wasn't as prepared for as I would have liked to have been, and that left me feeling insecure. Transitioning back to work, even after "just" four years of being on the mommy track is not fun or easy.

I got to talk to a very close friend (um, I actually think of her as a sister even though we aren't even close to being related and technically I don't know what having a sister is like since I just have brothers) and she listened to me ramble non coherently about where I'm at with things. I told her how I woke up this morning thinking about how comfortable I've gotten with the inherent uncertainty in my life and in particular, regarding the future status of my marriage. I told her that I realized today that I don't even want to know if H and I will ever divorce or if we will stay married because depending on my mood at a given moment or day, either outcome could be really discouraging to me. I'm just trying to figure out what to do with myself, and that is taking all my effort right now.

I had a productive afternoon. While my youngest daughter napped I did some work I need to do and also spent half an hour braiding the hair of my oldest daughter's My Little Ponies. On her request. It was a half an hour where I felt like a good mom. After naptime, we had a playdate.

But by the time my husband got home at dinner time, I was DONE. Just too tired to be a good mom or a good person any longer. I ate my leftovers burrito in about 5 minutes and then retreated to my room and vegged. I was ready to continue sinking lower into the blog and FB lurking that is my go-to veg behavior, but I stopped myself. I remembered how much I have to do. And how much I want to do but don't seem to have time for. And yet somehow I always make time to lurk. So I stopped lurking and looked at my to-do list. Earlier in the day I had felt (and shared) some shame I felt about having signed up for the free Addo Recovery class over a month ago and still not doing any of the work. So I started. I did the first lesson tonight. It really didn't take long. And I think it was good for me. I was proud of myself for doing it. Glad I did it. But did I feel good? No. Because it dredged up some ugly emotions that I work so hard to keep a lid on so I can do all the things I need to do each day (be a mom, do my job, drive my car without fantasizing driving off the road or out of the state, etc.). I wanted to vomit up my burrito. For the record, I have never made myself puke before. And I plan to keep it that way. But that doesn't keep me from thinking about it sometimes, especially when I eat too much. Which happens a lot when I'm emotional. Ugh.

I cleaned my room a little (it is still a pit, but my closet is less cluttered now), talked to a friend on the phone a bit, and then my VTers came over. Had a really nice visit. They don't know any specifics, but they do know that H and I are in couples therapy. One is a therapist and she has some knowledge and skills that are helpful. Like, when I started crying pretty much out of nowhere, she quieted right down (like me, she's usually very talkative), and while I squeezed my eyes shut as tears were streaming from them, I could feel the care and reverence she and the other sister (who is very quiet all of the time) felt for me and my emotion. They offered to listen if I wanted to tell them more, but I felt no pressure to. There was just so much space and respect afforded to me in that moment. I considered telling them that I have my own bedroom. That I have been lonely for years. That I don't know if I'll be married a year from now. I didn't. Maybe I will another time. I don't know. But I do know that even though they don't know why I'm hurting, it was good to let them catch a glimpse of my pain and they responded in such a kind, supportive way. The quiet sister shared a lesson that was simple, but inspired, and there was emotion in her voice when she shared it that indicated to me her care for me. They gave me hugs before they left (I am at a place where I do not take physical contact for granted right now---I take all the hugs I can get). In the lesson, the quiet sister suggested I read my P-blessing and I know that was inspired.

As I went upstairs to my room, the chorus of "I don't want to wait" came to mind. I thought back to what I had told my friend this morning about being ok with not knowing how my marriage is going to work out. That is mostly true. But I clarified my perspective by reminding myself that I'm ok not knowing the end from the beginning, but that I am at the point where I am requiring my husband to make choices that affect my level of commitment to our marriage in real-time. And then I read my P-blessing. I felt so much peace and could see so much of my life in it, which is always a good thing. Usually it's hard to read because there are a couple parts referring to my marriage and husband and I go a little crazy wondering if it refers to H or some future husband. Tonight I was blessed with a clear vision of how the promises contained in my blessing could apply to H. And I remembered what my individual and couples therapists have told me several times: that for everything we're going through, which they do not minimize at all, H and I have a lot going for us. A lot of personal and relationship strengths that give them reason to be encouraged that we could pull through this. Does either their assessments or my reading of my P-blessing tonight mean that we will stay married? No. I don't think it guarantees that. And even if it somehow did (which I'm doubtful of), I'm not sure I'm ready to invest my emotion even in a guarantee. I'm not healed enough for that. But it is important for me to know that it is a possibility, and that possibility is reason enough to keep putting in my best effort. Which means I'm still not looking forward to our couples therapy session this Friday afternoon, but I do plan on gearing myself up for it and engaging as much and as honestly as I am able when we go.

So my VTer who is a therapist once counseled someone who had serious anxiety regarding her dissertation. I'm trying to write a dissertation right now (nowhere even close to finishing) so I asked her for some off the cuff advice about making progress. It was great, and totally applies to wopas, too:

• It's a huge amount of work---like trying to eat an elephant. Just take it one bite at a time. (Don't we all feel that we're dealing with an elephant in the room with our husband's addictions? I love using the analogy of eating an elephant for this aspect of my life.)
• Set an absolutely non-negotiable work commitment that nothing can interfere with. Even if you choose to commit to a minimum of opening your dissertation file and staring at it (if you're incapable of more) for 2 minutes once a week, once you set that goal, stick to it and don't let anything get in the way. As you do this, you will experience moments of productivity that will accumulate and build your momentum over time.
• Motivation is not required for action. It sure is helpful. But you do not need to feel motivated to do what you need to do. Don't wait to feel motivated before you act, because it may never come in that order.

That was my day. How was yours?

Meeting with my SP, Part II: Feeling victorious

If you haven't yet read my previous post,  

Meeting with my SP, Part I: And so my needs are great, 

I recommend doing so to put this post in context.

If for some reason, anything in this post is a trigger for you, I apologize.

I hope that what I share here will help you as it has helped me, 

but if it doesn't please remember that everything my SP addressed 

and the manner in which he did so resonated deeply with me and my needs 

and I consider our conversation a sacred experience. 

As we entered the room, during that awkward few moments as your getting settled in your seat, my SP (Stake President) asked how my children were (and he remembered the age and first name of one of my two children---that's impressive in my book). I am so grateful he asked how they were instead of asking how I was at this point. It was so much more comfortable for me to quickly and honestly answer that they were doing well than it would have been for me to make up a succinct answer about how I'm doing if he had asked me how I was. This really made me feel more at ease.

Then my SP asked me to open our meeting with a prayer. And then we proceeded to have a conversation which I can only describe as being completely inspired. The topics my SP addressed, the questions he asked, the ideas he shared, and even a number of the specific words and phrases he used were all so personally relevant to my feelings and experience that I cannot deny that he is an inspired man of God, and I trust that he is worthy of the Priesthood he bears.

He began by informing me that within the next month or two, our Stake will begin an Addiction Recovery Program; the couple who will be leading it have already been called and are currently being trained. I didn't want to interrupt him by expressing my happiness about this, so I just quietly but very noticeably clapped and smiled as he explained this. At this point, the Stake is beginning just with a program for addicts, but he sounded very interested in and supportive of starting a separate meeting for spouses of addicts once the addict program was up and running. I should note that one of my biggest priorities for our discussion tonight was to ask him about the status of starting an ARP for our stake, so I was quite pleased that this matter was addressed, and by him, and so early in our conversation.

Next, he asked me how I was doing---specifically, how I felt about my self-worth. I explained how I have ups and downs and lately I've been having some downs specifically related to my feelings of worth. That ultimately I know who I am and what I'm worth but I don't always feel that, especially lately. Interspersed in this conversation thread was some specific questions from him and explanations from me about my husband and our relationship, but after establishing some basic context, my SP clearly directed the focus back to how I was doing by asking this unusual question:

"Do you feel that you are succeeding?"

I had to think for a moment about what this question meant. I answered that ultimately I know that I'm headed in the right direction; I'm doing the big stuff I need to be doing; I'm on the right path. But there are lots of little things I'm struggling with. I feel like I keep tripping and falling on my face, but I do keep getting up and I'm staying on the path. To this, he emphatically responded that yes, I am on the right path, and I am succeeding. He referred to a past General Conference talk President Uchtdorf's gave about toddlers learning to walk. He said that tripping and falling on my face and getting back up is part of being successful:

"You are trying. That is winning."

And when I heard this, I thought: Winning. Victory. Yes, God was speaking through my SP to me---Victory.

The he gave me an analogy about a chair. Each leg represents a different domain of life: emotional, spiritual, physical, intellectual. If one of those domains suffers a blow and that chair leg loses 6 inches, the entire chair will be way off balance even if everything is really ok in other domains. So, my emotional needs have suffered a blow because of my husband's actions, and I may feel like other aspects of my life are suffering, but really I'm probably doing ok as long as I'm maintaining the basics. He said that he wanted me to know this because in situations like mine, many people feel guilty for not praying or studying their scriptures like they think he should. He said that if I have the energy and time to put into lengthy prayer and scripture study, great. But if I have an hour available to me, it might make sense to spend just a few minutes in scripture study and most of that time reading about addiction recovery in order to address the domain of my life with the greatest need. He said to do the basics: yes, read scriptures every day. Yes, eat healthy food. But not to worry or feel guilty if I felt off balance or that some areas of my life weren't getting as much attention as others. He said (in effect): 

"You may not be the best mom right now. That's ok. Your children will be better off in the long run if you do what you need to do now. Things are hard now, but if you keep doing what you are doing, 2 years from now there will be a happier you." 

He expressed confidence in my husband and me: that we are capable people and despite the stresses we're facing, we have some things going for us that give reason for hope. Taking the nature of our situation in consideration, he said that things are going as well for us as they possibly could be. To be honest, I agree. I get pretty caught up emotionally with the fact that my life is not how I wish it were, but I do feel deep within me that for what I'm dealing with, my life is as good as it could be, and ultimately, still very good.

He could have closed the meeting here, and I would have been more than content. But even though it was probably 9pm, he generously asked me if I had any questions that were of a nature that he specifically could address. That he wanted to be sure I had an opportunity to ask.

I looked down in thought for a few moments---my thoughts were a blur. I couldn't form a coherent, succinct question, but I rambled on for a minute or two, expanding upon the feelings I expressed at the beginning of the meeting about how preparing for Step 4 and struggling to face myself and some things I'm ashamed of and weaknesses that make it hard for me to remember that my husband's addiction is not about me. He listened so compassionately. I could see understanding in his face. And then he spoke with the spirit---kindly but convincingly---and he told me that God loves me and has a plan for me. That he knew that I knew that but that God wanted me to feel it. That God was pleased with me and the choices I've made and my truly righteous desires and that I was winning. And he told me that God is especially pleased with my charity. My husband has done things that clearly constitute grounds for divorce. I would be completely justified in divorcing him. But I have shown him patience and charity and given him room to use his agency. He referred to the scripture that says that charity covereth a multitude of sins. He said that one way that happens is that I have covered some of my husband's sins by showing charity and giving him the chance to change. And as I show that charity, I make myself eligible to have my sins covered by the Lord.

He then addressed the issue of having confidence before the Lord. He said that there are direct and indirect ways of addressing problems. In the case of self-confidence, he believes the latter is most appropriate. He did say that he believed that affirmations are one direct method that could have a positive affect on confidence. But he has found the indirect method of focusing on our actions toward others to be more meaningful. He used D&C 121 to support this idea. At the end of that section, the phrase "confidence waxing strong" appears. Up to that point, the section discusses the Priesthood and focuses on how access to Priesthood power hinges largely on how people treat each other. He referred to the relational focus of the commands of the Sermon on the Mount. He recognized that now is not the time in my life to spend 30 hours a week serving others. But that finding small ways of continuing to serve others would be meaningful to the confidence I felt before God. 

He then counseled me to conduct my personal inventory with caution; not to focus unduly on my weaknesses. He interpreted Ether 12:27 as meaning that our weaknesses serve to bring us to Christ; but Christ promises to make us strong, not necessarily eradicate our weaknesses. He said that sometimes when we go to Christ in relation to a weakness, he sometimes has other plans for us. Maybe he wants us to strengthen that weakness, or maybe we will be instructed to use one of our strengths to a greater degree.

He said that he was pleased to see me doing what I needed to do and being where I need to be. That faith is showing up. Going to church when you don't feel like and don't expect to get anything out of it, for whatever reason, is an act of faith, especially when you do not notice blessings in real time; the blessings may come later.

He said that he felt he had shared everything that needed to be shared, and I agreed. He asked if I would like to close with either a Priesthood blessing or a prayer. I told him that his words had been so inspired that I felt like I had already been given a Priesthood blessing. He said that when he told me about God's love for me, it felt like something he would have said in a blessing. I truly believe that our conversation, inspired by the Spirit, was a real Priesthood blessing to me. I thanked him for our conversation and also for the inspiration in selecting speakers and topics for Stake Conference and shared with him that after much emphasis on missionary work, which I persisted in having a disgruntled attitude about for longer than I'd like to admit, I had some simple ideas about what I could do, and had already started to enact one of those ideas yesterday.

My faith in the capacity of men to be good has been bolstered significantly. My testimony of the Priesthood has been renewed. And I'm feeling God's love, and as a result, I'm feeling calm, confident, and care toward others. Right here, right now, I'm feeling victorious.

Meeting with my SP, Part I: And so my needs are great

About a month ago, I started feeling that it is time for me to start gearing myself up to do Step 4 (Personal Inventory). This step has always scared me. But for the past month or so I've had experiences where I have been surprised to find myself wanting to do it and feeling the need to do it. Although I haven't started the formal work (the fact that I don't have a sponsor is adding to my reluctance to get started), I've been spending more and more time thinking about who I am and, as mentioned in my So Much post, facing my feelings about myself hasn't been fun or easy. Lots of fear, insecurity, shame, and uncertainty. 

One of the parts of myself I have been facing has been my social/emotional neediness. Last weekend I attended the adult session of Stake Conference Saturday night and the general session Sunday morning. During both meetings, I found myself wishing that the Stake President would reach out to me personally, just to check up on me. I knew he was aware of my situation through one of his counselors (I met with him because he was in my ward the day after D-day this summer) and  mybishop. I haven't reached out to him because I've felt like my bishop and home teacher have taken good care of me. But this weekend, I felt needy. I wanted support from my Stake President. Because I'm so much more aware of inner self right now, I felt extra guilty about this desire: he has so many demands on his time, and really I'm doing ok. Why do I need so much attention and reassurance? But despite my guilt, I still felt a little sorry for myself when I left Stake Conference on Sunday.

An hour and a half after Stake Conference ended, my Stake President called me. I missed the call because I was putting my daughter down for a nap, but he left me a voicemail saying he wanted to check in with me and he was hoping to meet with me in the next few days. I was surprised and not surprised at the same time. As the prophet Zenos said (recorded in Alma 33: 9):

Yea, O God, thou hast been merciful unto me, 

and heard my cries in the midst of thy congregations.

God heard my prayer. I knew he could. I just didn't know that he would. Could my desire have been righteous? Or was God just indulging me out of pity? I was able to schedule a meeting with my Stake President for tonight (Tuesday night) before flying out to Utah tomorrow for The Togetherness Project. I was so grateful that it worked out to meet with him before I went out of town, but as I drove to the meetinghouse, I felt more guilt. Why should the Stake President have to stay later, leaving his wife and 6 children at home without him, to meet with me when I'm doing ok? I've had experiences that have shown me that God is caring for me (including this morning when after praying, the Lord helped me overcome some pressing feelings of insecurity and inadequacy), and I'm just about to go out of state for a week to see friends and soak up support. Why do I need so much reassurance? Am I just broken? How did I get that way?

Softly and without fanfare, a few of the words to the song I had sung to my daughter before bed tonight came to mind:

I am a child of God 

and so my needs are great.

I can't say that this completely resolved my guilt, but it did assuage some of it. I have great needs not in spite of being a child of God but because I am a child of God. I am So Much. I will someday be So Much More. And so my needs are great. No need to feel sorry for that.