Each day this week got progressively more emotionally intense for me, with the emotional climax being the couples therapy session I participated in Friday afternoon. I have had the good fortune of not struggling with a lot of triggers, but in the last 72 hours, my emotions have made up for lost time. It has been really hard for me. For example, this morning I woke up at 5:30 am from a peaceful sleep but instantly felt terrified. I felt like I was waking up from a nightmare except that all the fear I was feeling had to do with the nightmare that is my life. Ok, that sounds dramatic. My life is not that horrible. But in the last 72 hours, I've experienced some horrible fear.
The only reason I'm here (writing on my blog) to tell about it is because of self-care. Self-care, self-care, self-care. That is what my sanity rests on at this point. I feel, as I have felt at times before, that I am just one or two acts of self-care away from break down. It's a scary place to be. I'm so grateful that my husband is a good dad and has an extremely flexible work schedule right now. Of course, he's not being a good husband and his flexible work schedule corresponds with the fact that he is an underemployed and underpaid graduate student. But, he gets credit for being a good dad and stepping up in some major ways that allow me to focus on doing what I need to do to not completely lose it. (The irony of this situation is still killing me, but I need to move on and not get hung up on it.)
But. God made a point of letting me know something this week. Self-care is not enough. It might be enough to keep me sane. Maybe. But even if it can keep me sane, it's not enough to keep me happy. It's not enough for me to heal emotionally from the effects of my husband's infidelity and dishonesty. It's not enough to help me be who I need to be and do what I need to do in order for our marriage to succeed if my husband chooses to act in ways that keep that option viable. Good self-care reduces the likelihood that I experience emotional triggers. And it helps me resume my functioning after I experience them. But it does not free me from the effects of them or the pain that sets me up for those emotional traps. Nothing that I can do or that my husband can do or that anyone else on earth can do is enough for that. I need more.
I need the Savior's help. I need Him to ease my pain. To bind my broken heart and soothe it with healing salve. I need Him to teach me how to live and think and love in ways that will keep me safe from the choices others make that can affect me in harmful ways. I need Him to help me learn from my pain and find ways to use it for good. I need to feel His love for me so I have love to share with others. I need Him to guide me and show me the way to safety. I need His compassion, His wisdom, His strength, His light to make my broken life whole.
There are many ways to access what the Lord has to offer. I will continue to read my scriptures and pray daily, read good books, and keep the commandments. But this week I participated in some phone-in 12-step Healing Through Christ meetings and I realized, not for the first time, how important this resource is to my healing. I specifically know that I am to be using this program as a key component of my recovery. So I'm committing myself to participating in a phone-in meeting once a week and soon I will create more specific goals about how I plan to work the steps.
I'm so thankful for the lessons I've learned about self-care and for how effective it is for me in managing my emotional pain. But I'm also grateful for the knowledge I have of a loving Heavenly Father who has prepared a way for my pain to be in some cases eased, in some cases removed, and in some cases transformed in ways that bring me more complete relief and put me on a path leading toward peace.
